NY Daily News

August 11, 2007

My child is an alien

Your kid comes back from camp a totally different person. What to do?

BY SHERYL BERK

Saturday, August 11th 2007, 4:00 AM

Kids may be more mature after their time at sleep-away camp, developing new tastes and habits parents aren't always prepared for.

When 10-year-old Ashley H. of Manhattan returned home last year from camp upstate, she greeted her mom, Annette, with a whole new look - and a whole new attitude. "She ripped huge holes in her jeans and was wearing her hair hanging in her face - instead of pulled back in her usual cute headbands," Annette recalls.

"When we got home that night, she slammed her bedroom door in my face to change into her p.j.'s. She said she needed privacy. My husband and I just looked at each other. It was like aliens had abducted our child."

Many parents notice that their children come home from sleep-away camp more mature than when they left, says Herb Ruben, executive director of Peninsula Counseling Center, a nonprofit mental-health center in Woodmere, L.I. "Your child has learned new social skills and has developed a greater sense of being on his own. He has had to rely upon himself in problem-solving without being able to fall back upon Mom or Dad. He has experienced new friendships, which have been a boost to his ego."

All of this is great, and probably why you sent your youngster packing in the first place. But with the good comes the bad. Some kids return rebellious and have acquired a vocabulary that would make a truck driver blush.

"It took about 5 minutes for Max to come off the bus after his first summer and drop the F-bomb on us," admits Leslie Adler of Jericho, L.I.

"They pick up all sorts of things in camp," adds Daniella H. of Brooklyn. "My 12-year-old son came home all of a sudden into girls. He asked me when he'd be old enough to have sex. I almost passed out."

While it's tempting to lay down the law - and nip any of these behaviors in the bud - experts say it may not be the best strategy.

"First, it's most important to keep your sense of humor as well as a sense of perspective," advises psychologist Jennifer Brout, founder and executive director of Positive Solutions of NY.

"Your child is still your child. He or she may have been exposed to new experiences, but this was inevitably going to happen. Although it can be difficult, try to help your child process what he or she learned at camp." Ensure that he or she can be open and honest with you without fear of rejection or punishment.

And be patient. "The best thing you can do for your child is allow them to ease back into being home, Adler says. "I just give them time and room to adjust. And I try to put myself in my kids' shoes and remember what it was like when I went to camp."

TAMING YOUR POSTCAMP KID

•You say yes, she says no. Keep your cool. Then remind her of the "house rules" and that she must respect others.

•He's acquired a potty mouth. Have a conversation about how you realize that people may have spoken like this at summer camp, but only positive language will be tolerated in your home.

•She wants to be "left alone." Just make sure you have an idea of what your child is doing during this time - and that it's not harmful (such as smoking, drugs or surfing adult Web sites).

•He's interested in the opposite sex. It was bound to happen sometime! Keep the lines of communication open so that your child feels comfortable talking to you. Be honest, and if you have trouble with this topic, ask if he'd like to speak to another adult (a teacher, a counselor) who can answer his questions.